Applying discipline to our relationships means that we must set priorities and limits. Being human, we have only so much time and energy. We cannot love all people in the same manner. Some relationships demand more time and energy than others. Our spouse and children need more of our time and energy than do our golf buddies. The erotic relationship we share with our spouse demands the structure and related limits of fidelity. Living out the fidelity demanded by that type of relationship requires a significant degree of self-discipline. Our children need our time and attention if they are to learn from us and to develop into healthy and loving adults.
Harvard Psychologist Robert Kegan describes psychological development as a process of differentiation and integration of what is taken as self and what is taken as other. This process re-quires differentiation into “what is me” and “what is not me” and then coming into a conscious relationship with what is not me (integration). This is a continuous process and over time moves us into an increasingly rich and varied relationship with the world. This process results in meaning along the way, as well as an internalization (affective engagement) of the object or person with whom we attempt integration. The initial process of differentiation can be frightening and emotionally painful, as a pre-existing structure is breaking down. However, in the process a new form of relationship is emerging.
Peck argues that the genuine lover always perceives the beloved as someone who has a totally separate identity, which he or she respects and encourages. Failure to perceive such necessary separateness is a common source of pain and suffering.
One of the most destructive personality disorders is that of narcissism. The narcissist fails to perceive the beloved as separate from him or her. The narcissist fails to perceive the point of view of the beloved, as the only role the beloved has in life is to meet the needs and desires of the narcissist. The result is that the narcissist can be a very controlling and self-absorbed person. The narcissist is unable to love another person because he doesn’t perceive the other person as truly separate and “other”. Love re-quires that we perceive the other person as truly separate and “other” or we are unable to value them as a person or even existing with their own separate identity.
Peck illustrates this with a story from a marriage counseling group he was leading. At one point he asked one of the members of the group to explain what he perceived as the purpose and function of his wife. The man described the purpose and function of his wife as keeping their house neat and him well fed. Peck was aghast at the response and asked the same question of the other group members. To his surprise he got similar responses from most of the other people in the group. No wonder they were having troubled marriage! He explained to the group that each of them described the purpose and function of their spouse in reference to themselves. There was nothing about their spouses’ value as an individual or his or her personal goals. The spouses had purpose only in serving the needs of the speaker. When asked how Peck would describe the purpose and function of his wife, he explained that her purpose is to grow to be the most of which she is capable, not for his benefit but for her own and to the glory of God.
Though the challenge of separateness is sometimes related to an excessive narcissism in extreme cases, it is a challenge in all relationships. One of the challenges raising children to be healthy and independent adults is the ability of the parents to perceive their children as separate from them. This is seen in parents who see the differences from themselves in their children as unacceptable, as they are unable to perceive their children as anything other than extensions of themselves.
Parents may find it difficult to accept the hair styles, clothing styles, political ideas or tastes in music that are common among their teenage and young adult children. In most cases the parents are unable to offer any logical reason why these styles and tastes are any worse than their own styles and tastes, yet they still reject these ideas and styles. The issue isn’t so much the difference in styles and tastes but the sense of separateness from their children that the differences underscore.
The challenge is to honor their values and ideas while respecting their children as separate persons with their personal identity. It is this process of differentiation. (recognizing their separateness as persons) that makes possible a new integration that honors their separateness as well as their continuing relationship at the level of adults.
In a similar manner, all relationships demand respect for the separateness of the other party. Our friends and coworkers are not there to flatter our ego or simply be an extension or a support for our desires. They are unique and separate persons who have their perspective on things and their gifts to offer others. In order to receive those gifts, we must acknowledge their separateness from us and the great value that they bring to their relationship with us. Genuine love, according to Peck, not only respects the individuality of the other but seeks to cultivate it, even at the risk of separation or loss. The goal of life remains the spiritual growth of the individual. Marriage and society exist for the basic purpose of nurturing such journeys of growth.
All of this brings us back to the commandment of love that Christ gives to his disciples. The agape love of Jesus must come to characterize each of us. That love is a nurturing love that is a choice. It is a choice that respects the beloved and does all it can to promote the spiritual growth of the beloved.
