We have considered the risks in any relationship that arise from the possibility of loss and independence. Another risk is that of confrontation. There is no such thing a relationship between equals, no such thing as a real partnership that does not involve confrontation. Once two people begin to let down their defenses the possibility and probability of experiencing hurt increases dramatically. It is inevitable that friction will arise in the relationship. The people involved can deny the friction and hurt feelings but this does not serve them well in the long run, as the hurt feelings build until the repressed anger bursts to the surface in a rage that is out of proportion to the issue that precipitated it and can threaten to destroy the relationship.
Any type of confrontation is basically a statement that I am right, and you are wrong. No one likes to be told that they are wrong. While such a statement can be hard for the other person to accept, there are times when it is necessary to make such a statement. The one who is willing to confront the other is doing a service to the other person and to the relationship. St. Paul instructs the Christians of Corinth to admonish the sinner. If he can’t accept what is told to him, then bring witnesses who can corroborate what is said. If he still can’t accept the well-meaning admonition then leave him.
When I was in college my best friend had the habit of moving in on any girl I dated or in whom I showed any real interest. He would start flirting with her and in several cases broke up any relationship I had with the girl. All the while he maintained an ongoing relationship with the girl he eventually married. While he was closer to me than my own brother and many years later, we are still friends, he was being a jerk. Eventually I had to confront him on his behavior. It was necessary to make him aware of what he was doing and to get him to choose whether he wanted to maintain our friendship or not.
Peck suggests that confrontation is a necessary part of any relationship but that how we go about confronting the other can have a significant impact. One mode of confrontation is to allow our resentment to build to the point where it bursts out in an impulsive explosion of anger. Such confrontation arises from our sense of wounded dignity and is more about venting and making me feel better than anything else. It is not a very effective mode of confrontation. As the other person immediately goes into defensive mode and is not open to any truth or insights that the other person may be stating.
The other mode of confrontation arises from a desire to change the course of the other person’s life for the better. This begins by a careful examination of one’s own feelings considering the other’s person’s behavior that is the source of irritation and hurt. Are these feelings a reasonable reaction to the situation or rooted in my own pathology? Is there anything that I can do to improve the situation?
If it is clear that certain behaviors on the part of the other person are hurtful and unacceptable to any reasonable person, then one needs to explain in a quiet and straight-forward manner how the specific actions of the listener are creating the pain and discomfort in the speaker. Peck reminds us that such confrontation is an exercise of power but that the mutual exercise of power is a characteristic of healthy relationships. Such an exercise of power asserts that I am an equal partner in this relationship, and I have a right to make my feelings known. I have a right not to be constantly wounded by this relationship. I have a right to expect better of you. Of course, you have the same right with regard to me.
Commitment is the foundation of any genuinely loving relationship. Commitment doesn’t guarantee that the relationship will be successful but it does promise that I will be available. It is a choice I make and a choice I will honor. When there is no commitment in a relationship then there is always the possibility that one of the people can abandon the relationship at any time. That fear is a poor foundation for any relationship. One can never relax in the relationship, as there is a background tension in which the parties approach their interactions from a “I’ll dump you before you dump me” mentality. This prevents the parties from giving themselves to one another.
Commitment involves letting down your defenses and letting another person really get to know you. This involves some risk taking, as change is inherent in life and the person I am today may not be exactly the person I will be a few years down the road. Yet, commitment says that whatever changes come into my life and come into your life, I will continue to be there for you. Indeed, I invite you to be part of those changes.
Love is disciplined. That is, the lover behaves with self-discipline and any truly loving relationship is characterized by self-discipline. Peck argues that if I truly love another, I will order my behavior to contribute the utmost to his or her spiritual growth. This doesn’t remove passion from the relationship but rather provides for sufficient order in the relationship to allow both parties experience true passion. Peck suggests that passion is a feeling of great depth. When a feeling is uncontrolled that is no indication that there is any depth to the feeling.
Think of music, as an example. When I was around six years old my parents purchased a used upright piano. Occasionally I would sit in front of the piano pounding away at the keys. In my imagination I was a concert pianist passionately making great music. What my parents heard however was their son making a lot of noise on the piano. Emotional engagement may have been present, but I lacked the disciplined skill to produce beautiful music. Listening to a skilled performer playing Mozart, Bach or Chopin combines passion and discipline to produce a transcendent experience of beauty. It is the discipline that makes all the difference.
This is not to reject one’s emotions or to beat them into submission. Our emotions provide the energy that makes it possible for us to accomplish the tasks of living. This energy is good and must be respected. We respect our feelings by providing structure and setting limits that allows a creative use of their powerful energy. Without a degree of structure and clear limits, our emotions can take control of our lives and create chaos.