Gaudium et spes presents a beautiful and challenging picture of Christian marriage. As a ministry priority the local church is challenged with trying to support marriage and family life in the Diocese of Chalan Kanoa through its ministry. How do you translate this priority into action?
One of the ways I’ve tried to deal with that challenge over the years is to identify those things that seem desirable, as well as those things to be avoided. Then your plan of action becomes promoting desirable outcomes and discouraging undesirable ones.
I tend to divide programs and activities regarding marriage and family life into two broad categories. The first category is referred to as marriage preparation. The second category is referred to as marriage and family life enrichment. Any program that helps people understand prior to the wedding the nature of the commitment they are making is a form of marriage preparation. Programs like Marriage Encounter, that help married people communicate better and develop the skills they need to make their marriage better are marriage enrichment resources.
Having worked on Marriage Tribunals for several decades, negative things to be avoided are easier for me to list. Certainly, any marriage where there are problems with alcohol abuse or other addictions has a powerful obstacle to a healthy and happy family life. I have seen more marriages destroyed by alcohol abuse than anything else. People can’t thrive in the chaotic environment of alcohol abuse. The fear and chaos poison the next generation. The children learn to survive in the dysfunctional home environment, but they also learn to perceive the dysfunction as normal. Their ability to create a healthy marriage and home environment when they are adults is significantly compromised.
In a similar manner, infidelity is a poison to any marriage and easily undermines family life. People will be very creative in coming up with excuses to justify themselves. Its human nature. I was lonely and in a loveless marriage. He did it, so I did it for revenge. Our marriage had become boring. On and on the excuses go. The bottom line however, is that marriage is a commitment to fidelity and absolutely nothing justifies infidelity.
We must not forget the damage done by violence in family relationships. No one has the right to physically assault their spouse. Your spouse is your partner in life, not your slave or your property. If you hit your spouse, you are committing a crime under the law; a crime for which you can and should be punished by the legal system. If you think that you are “manly” by hitting your spouse, you are sadly mistaken. In fact, you are acting like an out of control child who is taking a tantrum. You are demonstrating your lack of manhood, which calls upon a husband to seek the well-being of his wife and children, not do harm to them (Ephesians 5).
We can get a sense of what is desirable simply from plumbing the depths of our favorite childhood memories. Memories of our parents getting along are important, as are memories of the family doing things together; picnics, barbeque, fishing, vacation and even going to Sunday Mass as a family stir up nostalgic feelings from our childhood. Anything that we can do to allow our children to build their own positive memories of their parents and childhood experiences is worth pursuing in our attempt to minister to the families of this Diocese.
Any marriage is a work in progress. It is a fantasy to imagine that there is nothing but “happy ever after’s” once you march down the aisle and say your wedding vows. There are incredibly good times in most marriages but there are also incredibly difficult times. There are times when you must shut up and just listen to what your spouse is trying to tell you and there are times when you must open and share your thoughts and feelings. It is incredibly difficult in figuring when it is time to speak up or to shut up. There are times when you are sure that you married the wrong person and there are times when you thank God for the grace of giving you the person to whom you are married.