I recently received a video attached to a text message from my youngest son that showed him and his girlfriend in Hawaii. They were accompanied by my daughter and her family, as well as his girlfriend’s brother. They were on a beach trying not to get too wet as the waves pounded on the shore and kept inching closer. Then he got down on one knee and proposed marriage. Obviously, she accepted. They have been going together for about three years now and just about every one knew the proposal was coming. Though supposedly it was a surprise for the girlfriend, assuming none of her friends or family members dropped a few hints in advance. Also assuming that my son’s loose lipped nieces and nephews could keep a secret as well.
I knew it was coming because my son had spoken to me a few weeks earlier about his plan to propose during their Hawaii trip. Now, having been a Marriage Tribunal judge for about thirty years and having worked thousands of annulment cases, I had to ask him a few questions to see what chance this marriage might have. From what I could gather from our conversation, I had the impression that they had a good chance of making marriage work, so I gave him my blessing.
M Scott Peck was a psychiatrist who wrote several books dealing with love from both a psychological and Christian perspective. He described being “in love” as a state in which a person’s ego defenses drop with regard to a particular person and they fixate on the person. This usually involves projecting your ideal of the opposite sex on this person. The problem is that what you are “in love” with is not the real person but a fantasy you have created. No longer being “in love” simply meant that you are beginning to relate to the reality of the person. This isn’t a bad thing. It is the beginning of a real relationship with the person and not your projected fantasy. It is a healthy development in a relationship, even if it can be an uncomfortable and challenging time in the relationship.
Mature love is the result of choice. A couple commits themselves to one another. This commitment is based on real knowledge of one another, with all their faults and failures, as well as shared experience and a proven willingness to seek the well-being of the other person. This mutual commitment is what marriage is about.
There are times when one or the other will fall short. These times require patience, communication and a willingness to forgive. After all, you have made a commitment and a commitment isn’t much if it is not honored. Though realistically, there needs to be a sincere effort to be a better spouse on the part of the one who fell short. The commitment has to be there on the part of both spouses, not jus t one.
I will always be concerned for my children, even though they are all well into adulthood and on their own. I’m happy for my youngest son as he takes this big step in his life and commits himself to his girlfriend—soon to be his wife—for the rest of his life. I wish him well on this journey and pray that the love he experiences now will continue to grow and transform into a profound blessing for the rest of his life. The journey may be difficult at times but it is an important and worthwhile journey to make.
