Living in community with others means that conflicts between people, in the workplace or in organizations are inevitable. Sometimes rooted in misunderstandings, sometimes in hurt feelings or simply because different people have different goals and priorities—it is simply a guarantee that conflict will arise, one way or another.
Avoiding conflict or perhaps avoiding productive confrontation, will also guarantee that the conflict will never be resolved. The worst course of action is to remain silent or passive in the face of conflict; that will only guarantee that wounds will take longer to heal (if they ever do).
When it comes to addressing and resolving conflict, it is important to keep some principles in mind.
- Think Before Reacting.
Emotions might be running high so it can be helpful to take a break, some deep breaths and wait until you can think a bit more clearly. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to take your anger out on someone else unfairly.
- Engage as Soon as Possible.
Don’t wait too long or you may be tempted to nurse grudges or gossip: speak directly to the person and don’t allow your hurt to fester. Protect the reputation of the other party.
Meet in person, not over the phone or via email or text. Make sure each person or party is ready and willing to talk things through and that you have some “ground rules” in place, for fairness and so that each party feels like they can speak and be heard.
- Express Affirmation and Respect for the Other.
Clearly state, out loud, why you respect each other enough to try to work toward a resolution. It is very important to begin with respect, and affirmation.
- Active Listening.
Do your part to listen and do not interrupt. Make sure you listen to body language, too. It may be helpful to use such phrases as, “I think what I hear you saying is…”
- Stay on Target.
Focus on the current problem: do not resort to personal attacks, or to past offenses or accusations of “you always do this…” Outline the current argument and then try to express as clearly as possible your resolution goal.
- Accept Responsibility.
Respect each other and remember that each person has their share in the conflict. Be sure to apologize out loud, and repeatedly for each offense of yours, as it arises in conversation.
- Look to the Future.
Discuss, if appropriate, how you would like to see things improve, grow, or move forward from this moment on. Visualize how you would like things to be and work out a “roadmap” to get there, together.
Keep in Mind: The goal of conflict resolution is to reach a resolution.
It is not to revisit all past wrongs or to assign blame. Avoid the urge to “get back at” someone for a wrong they might have done and focus on the goal which is a peaceful and collaborative future together.